


The Noble and Most Ancient House of Insanity

by Maisie_Malfoy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Chocolate fountains, Crack, Did I mention this was crack?, Don't Try This At Home, Gen, I Don't Even Know, OOC, Or that I don't know what it is?, Or that everyone is OOC?, Very OOC, Why are you reading this?, partial humor, read with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 22:01:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12873912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_Malfoy/pseuds/Maisie_Malfoy
Summary: Sirius comes downstairs to something very...interesting, we'll say.





	The Noble and Most Ancient House of Insanity

Sirius woke up and discovered the curtains in his room had been pulled down and were gone. Applying his fake mustache, he got dressed in his new Under Armour shirt and walked downstairs.

When he got there he saw a chocolate fountain in the kitchen. Regulus was dipping his cornflakes into it.

"Regulus, why are you dipping your cornflakes in the chocolate fountain?" Sirius asked.

"Andromeda wouldn't make pancakes." whined Regulus.

"I didn't get into medical school!" whined Andromeda, who was in Kreacher's cupboard. "That's why I didn't make you pancakes."

"Who else is here?" asked Sirius.

"Bellatrix kept pulling Kreacher's ears so he told her to go outside and spin around 1,000 times." said Regulus. He offered Sirius one of his cornflakes, but his brother declined.

"Why are they here?"

"Because our parents went out of town."

"Well, they're not supposed to go out of town, or Kreacher helps you guys trash the house."

"I didn't trash the house." said Andromeda, who was knitting what Sirius hoped was a hat. "Not last time, anyway. I was sick."

"By the way, I didn't pull your curtains down." said Regulus.

"Who pulled them down, then?" asked Sirius.

"Don't look at me." said Andromeda.

Kreacher hid his face in shame.

"Why did you pull down the curtains?" Sirius demanded.

"She told me to." Kreacher said.

"Who's she?"

"She's invisible."

The invisible someone picked up the chocolate fountain and carried it up the stairs.

"Who's that?" asked Sirius.

"She told us not to tell you." said Regulus.

"What if you tell me?"

Sirius never found out, because the front door burst open. Regulus yelled, "Burglar!", and Kreacher shut himself and Andromeda into the cupboard, but it was just Bellatrix riding in on a reindeer.

"No reindeer in the house." Sirius said.

"But he's my soul mate!" Bellatrix whined. "Also he looks like you, a little."

"I don't see it." said Sirius.

Then Regulus suggested they all go to his room, so they did. Sirius reluctantly went with them.

Inside he found his curtains, which were bunched into a ball. Regulus sat down on them. "Let's see. If we don't count Kreacher, there are five of us. What can we do with five people?"

"There's only four of us." said Sirius.

"No, there's five. Remmeber she's invisible."

"Who is?"

"Her."

"I know that. But the identity of her is?"

"I already told you we aren't allowed to say."

At that moment Bellatrix fell asleep and spilled maple syrup down her front.

"Let's play Twister!" Andromeda suggested. All her yelling woke up her sister, who conjured a spoon to eat the maple syrup in her lap.

"Let's not." said Regulus. The last time he played Twister he had gotten a butt in his face.

An idea hit all five of them at the same time.

"Let's play in the sprinklers!"

Regulus had accidentally burned his only swim trunks, so he borrowed some of Kreacher's. While he put them on everyone else was debating how to turn the sprinkler on.

"I think we turn this left." said Sirius, eating the saltine cracker he found in his pocket.

"No, it goes right." said Andromeda, who had dyed her hair purple on the way down the stairs. Sirius didn't think purple suited her.

"No, you have to turn it seven times right and eight times left." said Bellatrix, who was extremely busy thinking of how to end the first installment in her fantasy trilogy to really care.

But it didn't matter, because it started raining.

When she was little, the invisible one had had a curse put on her that made her fully immobile when it started to rain. She ran back inside, but no one commented on this, because Regulus came out.

They stayed out until sunset. When it got dark they went back inside singing Fixer Upper.

The invisible one refused to give the chocolate fountain back, so they had to split a stalk of celery four ways. At which point Andromeda drank a bottle of firewhisky and ran through the house ripping the pages out of a book and throwing them everywhere. Somewhere about 245.1 miles away, Remus Lupin howled at the moon.

But the group didn't know that.

So Sirius pulled out his wand and repaired the book, and then casually asked Bellatrix when they planned to leave.

"You don't want us here?" Bellatrix slid out of her chair and onto the floor sobbing hysterically.

"No, no, you're fine." Sirius said. "I was just asking, that's all."

"We were going to stay forever, and ever, and ever! I even put up a poster of Attila the Hun in your bedroom!" whined Bellatrix.

"Why do you have a poster of-" Sirius trailed off. He didn't want the answer to that.

Sirius nearly slipped on Andromeda's purple hair dye on the stairs, found a pair of Regulus's underwear on his pillow, and wondered why Bellatrix had stuck pictures of herself all over the bathroom mirror. He wanted to take a nice relaxing bath after all that.

Unfortunately someone banged on the door. "Do you wanna build a snowman?"

"Go away, Regulus."

"Okay, bye."

And again.

"Do you wanna build a snowman? Or ride our bike around the-"

"Go away, Andromeda."

"Okay, bye."

And again.

"Please I know you're in there."

"Go away, Bellatrix."

"Okay, bye."

Sirius had no idea what his brother and cousins liked so much about that movie. He hated it.

What he didn't know was that his friend and fellow Marauder James was on the porch angrily ringing the doorbell.

"You've reached the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Can I help you?" Regulus answered.

"Someone in your house has something of mine. I'd like it back." James demanded.

"I'll be back." said Regulus.

When he came back, Narcissa took off the Invisibility Cloak and gave it back to James.


End file.
